Honestly I don't think anyone can be fully "in" anywhere except where they spent most of their childhood. And that is fine!
When traveling or moving abroad you needs anchors, for you, salsa and climbing. For me, crossfit gyms. A group of friends that share your interests and something you can do without having to think, a comfort.
I don't understand most pop culture references in the US either, and I'm from there, so I don't think that is really something to worry about. More of a congrats for missing out on the brain rot tiktoks.
Salsa as the ultimate workaround! I’m going to remember that one. (I briefly took lessons in Cali, Colombia in 2016 but sure I could still find my way.)
I want to poll my American friends who moved to Italy more than a decade ago and ask them if they feel similarly, or if there is hope for us.
Otherwise, it’s down to the million dollar question you posed: escape it…or embrace it.
I'm living in Mexico City (and also briefly lived in Spain) so can relate. And I think what you wrote about being an 'observer' is why so many great writers traveled widely or lived abroad: putting yourself in foreign areas forces you to look with a different eye. Travel forces you outside of yourself, and you see the common denominators that make us all human. Still, it can be difficult. (I'm home for the holidays now and realized I missed home more than I thought). At the end of the day though life isn't perfect anywhere and the rewards of livings abroad can be so worth it. I'm finding a lot of meaning & joy & excitement in learning Spanish and I find those things when navigating new cultures generally. It reminds me of how much there is to learn in the world, and what a privilege it is to explore it. I have plans to live in other countries, too. Will this sense of alienation end up being trumped by the excitement of living abroad? Remains to be seen...
Thank you for the insightful post. I'd recommend taking a look at the book “Perfection” by Vincenzo Latronico. Perfectly depicts that through the lives of two expats in Berlin. Great read!
Love this thought-provoking and vulnerable piece!!! I think many travellers can relate to that background feeling of alienation. I definitely can. That feeling that you’ll never fully belong or understand… At the same time, it was probably also a similar feeling that made want to leave home and travel the world, because I didn’t feel like I completely fit in where I was born. Because of that, I’ve also came to see this feeling as some sort of a privilege.
It’s also a very familiar feeling to people who’s parents have an immigration background. Like my partner, born in Germany to Turkish parents, never feeling quite German in Germany and not quite Turkish in Turkey- like, split between identities and places, even without traveling.
Anyways the fact that it’s such a common feeling makes me feel better, at least. Thanks for confirming that! And I also love Brené Brown’s thoughts on this:
“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
Very introspective. I think ultimately it comes down to self-confidence. If one is truly comfortable with themselves, confident in their ability to face challenges and navigate uncertainty, they can be comfortable anywhere. Living in a foreign country, especially one with an unfamiliar language, isn't for those who struggle with self-doubt.
Perhaps you find the greatest comfort in salsa dancing and rock climbing, not because it bridges some cultural divide, but because you have skills and therefore confidence in those domains. Other things, like language or pop culture, you are less so, which then creates a sense of disconnection.
Then, the solution to feeling connected in a foreign culture is to foster confidence in oneself and set aside the (albeit inherent) tendency to care what others think.
Having mastery in something absolutely is a step toward comfort, probably THE step. Maybe you're right, if I just devoted myself to mastering Spanish pop culture the alienation would decrease — but that just seems like a gulf too far. Even fluency in the language to the point where I could imagine a negligible gap feels a long way off. Climbing and dancing in stark contrast, it's just already there.
But aren't some us permanent exiles living apart in alien•nation from the majority culture wherever we live? —like Santayana fleeing crowd-sourced living & thought. In many ways, this wanderlust, that took early hominins from Africa 1.8mya to the Caucasus is probably ingrained behavior. But then Socrates's draught of hemlock proves that speculation with a bitter spear, —a slight mistletoe twig killing bright Baldr.
There's too much loneliness in the crowd that even the warm sun of an afternoon bullfight cannot quench: better Xenophon's anabasis to the reality, — we are alone with an occassional troop of 10,000 going home, wherever that old-fashioned dwelling still stands. (echo of Emily Dickinson.)
Dickinson's gentle lament for Eden's fleeting passage somehow takes me to Twain's "Letters From Earth." Are we not all dark angels cast far from Jove's presence?
In any event, thank you for sharing these thoughts. Your ever happy Sisyphus (aka irreverent "conspiracy theorist")
Yep wanderlust and/or nomadic life are built into our dna for sure. That's part of why i'm not necessarily running from the feelings. For now, just want to be more aware.
I completely relate to this! There are so many things in France that I'll never quite understand. At the same time, I've been outside of the U.S. for so long that I almost feel alienated when I'm home too.
Honestly I don't think anyone can be fully "in" anywhere except where they spent most of their childhood. And that is fine!
When traveling or moving abroad you needs anchors, for you, salsa and climbing. For me, crossfit gyms. A group of friends that share your interests and something you can do without having to think, a comfort.
I don't understand most pop culture references in the US either, and I'm from there, so I don't think that is really something to worry about. More of a congrats for missing out on the brain rot tiktoks.
Even living 20 years in Costa Rica isn’t enough time or experience to fool yourself or the natives about who you are and what is what.
When I am back in hometown New Orleans , I can easily pass as native, but something has changed on the inside.
I have come to appreciate inbetweenness, thirdness, a not this or not attitude. Whatever it’s called, its just as good as anything else.
Salsa as the ultimate workaround! I’m going to remember that one. (I briefly took lessons in Cali, Colombia in 2016 but sure I could still find my way.)
I want to poll my American friends who moved to Italy more than a decade ago and ask them if they feel similarly, or if there is hope for us.
Otherwise, it’s down to the million dollar question you posed: escape it…or embrace it.
Thank you for featuring my writing :)
Now and then, maybe it's good to get back to Luckenbach, Texas, with Waylon and Willie and the boys:)
It’s good for americans to walk in the shoes of immigrants.
I'm living in Mexico City (and also briefly lived in Spain) so can relate. And I think what you wrote about being an 'observer' is why so many great writers traveled widely or lived abroad: putting yourself in foreign areas forces you to look with a different eye. Travel forces you outside of yourself, and you see the common denominators that make us all human. Still, it can be difficult. (I'm home for the holidays now and realized I missed home more than I thought). At the end of the day though life isn't perfect anywhere and the rewards of livings abroad can be so worth it. I'm finding a lot of meaning & joy & excitement in learning Spanish and I find those things when navigating new cultures generally. It reminds me of how much there is to learn in the world, and what a privilege it is to explore it. I have plans to live in other countries, too. Will this sense of alienation end up being trumped by the excitement of living abroad? Remains to be seen...
Thank you for the insightful post. I'd recommend taking a look at the book “Perfection” by Vincenzo Latronico. Perfectly depicts that through the lives of two expats in Berlin. Great read!
Love this thought-provoking and vulnerable piece!!! I think many travellers can relate to that background feeling of alienation. I definitely can. That feeling that you’ll never fully belong or understand… At the same time, it was probably also a similar feeling that made want to leave home and travel the world, because I didn’t feel like I completely fit in where I was born. Because of that, I’ve also came to see this feeling as some sort of a privilege.
It’s also a very familiar feeling to people who’s parents have an immigration background. Like my partner, born in Germany to Turkish parents, never feeling quite German in Germany and not quite Turkish in Turkey- like, split between identities and places, even without traveling.
Anyways the fact that it’s such a common feeling makes me feel better, at least. Thanks for confirming that! And I also love Brené Brown’s thoughts on this:
“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
Very introspective. I think ultimately it comes down to self-confidence. If one is truly comfortable with themselves, confident in their ability to face challenges and navigate uncertainty, they can be comfortable anywhere. Living in a foreign country, especially one with an unfamiliar language, isn't for those who struggle with self-doubt.
Perhaps you find the greatest comfort in salsa dancing and rock climbing, not because it bridges some cultural divide, but because you have skills and therefore confidence in those domains. Other things, like language or pop culture, you are less so, which then creates a sense of disconnection.
Then, the solution to feeling connected in a foreign culture is to foster confidence in oneself and set aside the (albeit inherent) tendency to care what others think.
Anyhow, just a thought.
Having mastery in something absolutely is a step toward comfort, probably THE step. Maybe you're right, if I just devoted myself to mastering Spanish pop culture the alienation would decrease — but that just seems like a gulf too far. Even fluency in the language to the point where I could imagine a negligible gap feels a long way off. Climbing and dancing in stark contrast, it's just already there.
As an American in Italy, I can relate
Deep & thoughtful post.
But aren't some us permanent exiles living apart in alien•nation from the majority culture wherever we live? —like Santayana fleeing crowd-sourced living & thought. In many ways, this wanderlust, that took early hominins from Africa 1.8mya to the Caucasus is probably ingrained behavior. But then Socrates's draught of hemlock proves that speculation with a bitter spear, —a slight mistletoe twig killing bright Baldr.
There's too much loneliness in the crowd that even the warm sun of an afternoon bullfight cannot quench: better Xenophon's anabasis to the reality, — we are alone with an occassional troop of 10,000 going home, wherever that old-fashioned dwelling still stands. (echo of Emily Dickinson.)
Dickinson's gentle lament for Eden's fleeting passage somehow takes me to Twain's "Letters From Earth." Are we not all dark angels cast far from Jove's presence?
In any event, thank you for sharing these thoughts. Your ever happy Sisyphus (aka irreverent "conspiracy theorist")
Yep wanderlust and/or nomadic life are built into our dna for sure. That's part of why i'm not necessarily running from the feelings. For now, just want to be more aware.
Very interesting, even if the ending surprised me a little, but I saw the honesty in that too. Thanks for sharing!
I completely relate to this! There are so many things in France that I'll never quite understand. At the same time, I've been outside of the U.S. for so long that I almost feel alienated when I'm home too.